i never really got to into this xanga anyways, but it's a weird reality shock to look over the only entries i have on here that were written at a completely different time in my life. let's bring it all up to date.

i did not ruin jake's and my relationship; he did. thoroughly. after those entries were written things became really really good between us until the end of that school year when it was getting close to graduation and i was going to be going away to college. he completely lost it. he started treating me differently. he started telling me that he didn't want to ever think of me ever again, that he didn't want me around, that he wanted to forget all about me. not really things you want the boy you love to say to you, all just because you're going away to school. i'm not saying it wasn't hard leaving for school and even then i knew it was going to be challenging but he completely lost his composure and he set the tone for the next couple years all the way up to now. he just lost it..

there were times between then and now when things were looking up. it was usually when we would get long stretches of time together without other people around. we could just come back down to earth together, and it was nice. but once again, when last summer rolled around, he just lost it. couldn't handle the fact that things weren't exactly the same anymore. that i was in school, that i had a job, that he didn't have either of these things. and most importantly that i was open to trying new things and meeting new people. he went from the one person who could sincerely make me feel really good about myself to the person who made me feel the worst about myself. before going back to school last fall we agreed to take a break. he wanted to put some conditions on me and our relationship that i wasn't comfortable with and so we had to agree to just let it go for a little while and revisit things in the winter. i thought we would take a healthy break, recollect ourselves, maybe consider seeing a relationship counselor because it was an option that always seemed worth it to me if it meant helping out relationship.

but long story short he ruined all of that when he fucked up last fall, quite literally. as if his actions weren't painful enough he made a lot of bad choices with the words he used with me. it's kind of earth shattering when the one person you thought would never try to hurt you...does. he says awful things to me and when i try to get him to stop or to understand how much it hurts, he just says he's saying awful things to me in hopes of pushing me away from him because he hurts me. how twisted is that? he likes to think saying mean things to me is a righteous way of sparing me further harm from him. in his mind, he's hurting me to protect me.

basically, just updating this thing because it feels weird seeing that my last post was a couple years ago at a completely different time in my relationship. that time i used to think was the worst time in our relationship. i was convinced that nothing could get worse than that. i was so wrong, and it's almost depressing updating this just to say that i was wrong and things certainly got worse. but i should have listened to jake years ago when according to my last post he told me that he's like some bad drug that i'm addicted to that's ruining my life. i really really should have listened.

Here are some things that you know about me. Because, Oh you, you know me so well.

(I do not make promises. I do. But I don't. The ones I don't make, you know what those are. They're the ones that go something like "I promise to never leave you. I promise to never hurt you."It's not that I'm untrustworthy. It's that I know I'm human. Making those promises would have been very risky for me, because I know mistakes are made and those mistakes are bad enough. Why would I want to have the guilt of doing something on top of the guilt of saying I'd never do something and then doing it. Such a tangled web. And so telling you that I don't ever want to hurt you, that I don't ever want to leave you, is good enough for you and me. Thank you for being so understanding.)

Lately, I've been making promises! I know, it's so not like me. What promises did I make, did you make, did we make together on my bed Tuesday night: I promise to try my best to not have a tone when we argue. Ha, you made me say that one because we both know you are tone sensitive. I promise to try not to swear when we argue, for the same reasons. It makes you angrier, it makes me angrier, and it makes me sound ridiculous. You taught me that, and thanks for the reality check. You promised me, I promise to try my best to be there for you, and we both know why you said that one. For the past week, you've ignored me, neglected me and didn't give me any attention at all, while I've been there for you like you wouldn't believe. It's hard being the one you depend upon sometimes, especially when you are depressed. There are probably people out there who can relate to the situation; when someone close to you is depressed, and you're the one trying to raise them up, when they need you so much, when they come to you for everything, it is a huge weight on your shoulders. And it was. And I was getting nothing in return. So thank you for promising to be there for me again like you used to. You are my best friend.

(I don't believe in perfection. You'd tell me I'm perfect, and, well, that was different. No one ever used that word to describe me before, and such an untrue word too! So I'd say thanks, but you're wrong, and you would continued to say it for a long time. I don't like the threat of "perfection" for many reasons, one being that I knew I was going to mess up some day. You told me there wasn't anything you hated about me and that you could never imagine hating me. You don't hate me, but you found those things you hate, just like I knew you would. And you don't call me perfect anymore, unless you're really really on another planet. I'd hear things from other people. They'd come up to me and tell me that you've been going around saying our relationship is perfect. I didn't understand that because it's not like we didn't have our tiffs. We were always happy, but that didn't mean we were perfect. I didn't believe in perfection.)

Lately, I've been believing in perfection. Not the kind that the dictionary describes. Not without fault or flaws. I see it more as a feeling. When we were together, we were perfect. We were happy. We made each other smile. We were there for each other. We took care of each other. I would reach out to you, you would reach out to me. Holding hands was natural. It was so simple. Simplicity is perfection. Happiness is perfection. Simple happiness is perfection. So, my point is, that I found it. Thank you again. You were right all along.

I want to make some promises now. Some new promises. I want to, I actually want to, but I can't. Because I don't know anymore what is going to happen. How can I say I will never leave you when we left each other nearly four months ago?

_______

I want us to want to be wanted by each other again.